Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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