I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
