jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
