I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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