FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
