To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
