Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
