I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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