my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
