then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize