ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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