I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
