Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
