if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
