Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
