i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
