I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
