i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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