So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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