dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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