I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
