theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
