ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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