I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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