Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
