John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
