Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
