did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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