wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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