I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
