I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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