Ambien. No doubt about it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
