Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
