how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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