I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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