I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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