call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
