Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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