Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
