i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
