ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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