why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
