I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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