The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
