I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
