planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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