It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
