The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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