She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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