I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
