I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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