Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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