He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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