don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
