That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
