I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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