I cannot find my penis.
I cockslap morals
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
