Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
well you can't waste a boner
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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