im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
