Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize