he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
