i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
