remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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