Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize