Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
